Once I was invited to an interesting training on personal growth. There were given a lot of useful information and practical exercises. But I especially remember one episode.
The coach divided the participants into pairs: one had to voice his dream, which he long wanted to realize, and the second was instructed to intensively support the first within 2 minutes, urging him to act.
When the 2 minutes had elapsed, the coach gave another assignment: now the second in the pair was required, on the contrary, to criticize the plans of the first and recommend to abandon them.
It was quite fun until the coach asked us: “Did you notice that when you motivated your partner for success, did your voice sound indifferent? However, when you began to criticize, you pronounced the words more confidently, actively gesticulating while doing it. ”
Of course, such an idea never occurred to anyone.
Sometimes we are really so carried away by criticism of others’ actions, that sometimes we do not notice it. Of course, there is such a thing as constructive criticism, which is necessary and beneficial. In addition to listing mistakes, she offers clear recommendations without humiliating the feelings and dignity of the opponent.
However, when you are condemned only for the sake of condemning, while giving estimates that are emotional and not confirmed by concrete facts, then we are dealing with criticism of the unconstructive and dangerous. But the saddest thing is that most of the population loves to criticize in this way.
Why? There are several reasons for this.
Here it is a matter of establishing the importance of one’s personality by reducing the importance of the other. The roots of this problem grow from childhood.
We are compared from childhood to each other first at home, then at school, and after and at work. There is a false belief that if a child demonstrates a certain standard of behavior on the example of another child, it will lead to the child’s imitation of this standard. But often this does not happen. Why? Because in consciousness such a logical connection is formed: the more good qualities he has, the less these qualities I have, and this means that I am worse than him. From here consciousness deduces the following idea: if I am worse than him, then I am worse than all.
The human brain is designed to simplify information as much as possible. That’s why we like to generalize: “Everybody does this …”, “No one cares about it …”, etc. Generalization for the critic acts as a psychological defense against self-doubt, because he was taught from childhood to judge himself and about Others from the position of the majority. The critic argues about this: “If he does this action is not how I am, then it is worse than me.” And further: “If he is worse than me, then he is worse than all.” And finally: “So now he is the worst of all, not me.”
Council: when you are unfairly chastised and begin with the words “no one” or “all”, ask the critic who specifically he means. Let him try a few names. Even if he can remember at least 10, then in terms of statistics, even a small city, these figures are zero.
If a person does not have any personal achievements and has experience of failures, then he has two choices:
1) try again and again,
2) To give up a dream.
The first way is complex, requires a lot of energy and courage, so the minority agrees to it. And the second is easier, because there is nothing to do. And many are happy with this.
However, here lies a catch. Refusing to dream, these people should essentially say the following: “I do not want to achieve my goal, because it’s hard for me to force myself to work, I do not know how, I do not want to, I’m lazy, I’m scared …”
But to admit one’s own incompetence, or even more laziness, is unpleasant and embarrassing, so they say differently: “I do not want to achieve my goal, because it is unattainable in principle, it is unrealistic.” On the basis of which they themselves make farewell to all the dreamers: “I did not succeed, and you do not try! What are you better than me?! ”
What mechanism works here? A man once for some reason said “no” to his plans, which was hard, but he accepted it. Of course, someone’s enthusiasm for the realization of the same dream will provoke him only outrage and anger.
Advice: do not tell anyone about your plans; As you understand, in any plan there are weaknesses, and, seizing on these painful points, the critic will start to manipulate you, inspiring fear and doubt.
It’s always easier to break than to build
Strange as it may seem, but the ability to motivate other people, to give them hope is a rare gift. Few people can only inspire a couple of phrases to the feat. Here it is not about banal compliments. These are individually chosen words for each person individually.
Someone has this talent from the cradle. Someone is learning this. But many are not interested. It is much easier to react like everyone, that is, negatively. They shouted at you – you shouted back. You are angry – you are angry. These are quite adequate reactions of the body, why should they be changed?
Then, unlike the simplest primitive organisms, we have freedom of choice. A person can choose what emotions to demonstrate and what attitude to the situation in himself to form.
What if there is not one among your relatives and friends who could support you in a difficult situation?
Tip: this person you have, he will always give you advice , And comfort, and hope. Who is it? It’s you yourself. Love yourself and do not forget to praise.
And finally: take for granted that fact that you will still be criticized, whatever you do. Do not stop. Just move forward.