Joint life is not always so cloudless as it is painted in the pages of beautiful novels. And if to be honest, the problems described in books are often not even suitable for a real life event. Quarrels due to jealousy, hysterics due to unjustified expectations, conflict of roles and values are not just an invention of psychologists, but a real fly in the ointment that one has to take. But when love is important, if one wants to fight for a person, one must learn to coexist. How to do it? Our article offers to consider 6 types of common conflicts in a pair and the simplest algorithm for their solution. If you quarrel, then just so!
1 type: acquaintance with the partner’s dark side
This type of conflict often occurs at the very beginning of a life together when there is no more Need to wear a mask, because the secret becomes clear. Disadvantages and weaknesses of the half suddenly come to the surface. Suddenly it turns out that a beloved woman hates domestic chores, preferring to cook a hike in beauty salons. Or the man allows himself to attach to a glass. And for one this is a real problem, and he himself “the culprit of the triumph” causes no worries. How to be?
First, stop hoarding grievances and ignore the claims. If you do not like something – learn to speak right away, calling for a meaningful dialogue. The situation itself will not be destroyed if the partner does not even know your feelings. Secondly, stop appealing to conscience or resorting to moralizing, try to convey to your loved one specifically your feelings: “It’s bad for me when you stay and discard calls.” Better yet, develop common understandings that take into account the interests of all.
2 type: conflict of interests and desires
How is it manifested in practice? One proposes to spend a vacation in the mountains, another wants at sea. One likes to lie on the couch, the other likes to be active. Someone in the family – a passionate fan of healthy eating, and someone loves chips. Finally, it also happens that a woman has long been dreaming about a child, while her husband does not react. Is there a solution?
Starting a conversation and coming to a compromise is a good idea if both get adequate compensation. Categorically, it is impossible to take decisions of only one into account. When someone in a pair is always inferior, good it will not end. Either look for something that will suit both, or assign to the conceded pleasant bonuses. For example, if a girl gives up her preferences on vacation, the man commits himself to wash the dishes at home for a month and prepare breakfast. Or if he agreed to give birth to an heir, she promises to let him go fishing a couple of times a month. And everyone is happy!
3 type: selfishness of one against the interests of “us”
In family life, it also happens that one pulls on himself a too large piece of blanket, which subsequently leads to Distortions of energies in a pair. Because of this behavior, one of the partners spends several times more time, money or emotional resources, while the other feels unfairly disadvantaged. Example: the husband-careerist stopped paying attention to his wife; The girl with a head went into self-development, forgetting about the need to take care of the house; Or the man decided to rest from half a year, while the wife drags on herself all the material issues. Voltage and periodic disputes in such families are guaranteed, you can do without them?
The decision is quite simple – to agree on compensation to the injured party. For example, if the husband is now resting, then the wife has the full right to take the same pause in the work to give time to her desires while he works. Or in another way. If for money from the total budget a man bought a new car, the wife has the right to spend exactly the same amount on their “Wishlist”. All is fair, everyone is happy, the curtain.
4 type: conflict of roles, the emergence of a hierarchy in relationships
When the relationship begins the struggle for power, an attempt to raise one’s self-esteem at the expense of a partner or parasitizing his work – feelings are doomed. Partnership is always an equal contribution to the relationship of two adults, there is no place for immaturity. And yet often you can see how a woman takes on the role of “mommy”, which in all custody and controls the infantile husband. Or, conversely, a man becomes an aggressor, whom everyone should obey and fear. The feeling “we” disappears, the game “parent-child”, “victim-aggressor” appears.
In order to resolve the conflict situation, both partners need to return to the state of adulthood and awareness. Stop ceasing to act out roles, taking out their displeasure on relatives, but learning to track internal states. To do this, you can even agree on small signals, by which you will return each other to the right wave, if someone starts to play. For example: “Of course, Mommy” or “you’re my little one.”
5 type: an unpleasant incident, an unseemly act
It can be anything – deception, betrayal, recklessly thrown phrase that touched a living, treason or any other incident that you can not easily erase from life. A typical wrong reaction of the victim in this situation is to forgive, and then to the end of life to remind of the inflicted grief. Remember, this is forbidden! And one more thing – revenge, from which no one will feel better.
If the incident occurred for the first time, you need to take a time-out to cool down, and then give the person a chance to improve. Talk with your partner about the fact that this situation does not suit you at all. That he hurt and now must choose: he is ready to continue to build relationships (and for this he will have to change), or is not ready – and you part. It is important to conclude an agreement that from now on he is responsible for his behavior, and if another breakdown (gambling, alcoholism, aggression) follows, he either pays “compensation” or you part. Remember, you can not threaten consequences and delay the promised punishment, they say, “once again do so, and then …”. But also you can not blackmail a person, constantly keeping him in awe. In everything you need to observe the measure. If the act is strongly affected and forgiving hard, it is advisable to seek the help of a specialist, so as not to break the heat of the heat.
6 type: inadequate resentment or baseless hysteria of one of the partners
Finally, in a couple it often happens that one of the partners perceives the behavior of another inadequately, interprets the said inaccurately, and then resents and makes a scandal. For example, the girl thought that the guy reproached her with something or looked askance, and she went into hysterics, although the man did not think anything of the sort. Or she just lingered at work, and he arranged a scene of jealousy, accusing her of deception and deceit. Clearly, the reason for such conflicts is often hidden in the past partners. For example, if a man was once changed, he involuntarily begins to project his fears onto a new partner, albeit undeservedly. How to be?
If you were attacked with undue resentment, do not try to defend yourself with excuses or retaliatory aggression – this will only aggravate suspicions on your account. Understand, you are not to blame, but your half is really bad, he (she) needs support, so try to provide it. Give the person to let off steam for detente, but do not take to your account! When he (she) talk out, try to calm half, pity, hug. Show that you understand and accept her feelings, but the reality is different: “I understand how offensive and unpleasant you are. But I’m also tired of comparing you to my ex. He changed it, I’m different. ” If you can not cope on your own, it’s better to ask a specialist for help.
The catch is that you can not remain silent if the situation does not suit, otherwise a small ball of problems will turn into a huge blunder. We need to talk, look for compromises, learn to help each other in the fight against “cockroaches”, and then it will be more pleasant to live. Just try to discuss.